Cheating Closet Swinger
Q.
Dear Dr. Gilda,
My boyfriend of 2 years and I have gone through a few emotional crises during our relationship. He's lied to me about things and I've forgiven him. This past weekend everything became worse after I checked his text messages. I saw messages and pictures that I never thought I'd see.
When I confronted him, he denied everything and said that they were messages he received years ago. I continued to push the issue and discovered he has been with numerous husband/wife couples for sex. Once that was out, I asked if I now knew everything. He assured me that I did, but that wasn’t the case. I just couldn't let it go because of the lying in the past.
After asking him almost a dozen times, a few hours later, he admitted he received oral sex from the husbands. Again, I asked if that was all I needed to know, and despite being told yes, I still didn't believe him. As it turns out, he has met 2 couples for sex since we've been together, and he has been searching online for more. He also made plans to meet with a couple a few days before our feuding began. The only thing that prevented him from meeting is that I was with him.
I'm so hurt! I thought he was the man I'd marry. He refuses to let our relationship end and insists that as of this past Saturday, he is committed to our relationship. I see that as a slap in the face. I feel like the time spent with him was a complete waste. He wants to "get help," but the problem is too deep. He's completely destroyed any trust in him I could have.
Am I wrong to tell him he needs to move on and let me live in peace? Trust is important, and when a person has cheated on you and keeps you in the dark about his sexual orientation, isn’t it time to go?
Hurt and Furious
A.
Dear Hurt and Furious,
It is a shock to discover that your long-time lover has a secret life separate from you. If this guy’s sexual predilections were the same as yours, at least you could enjoy them together. After all, you’re adults. But the fact that you find his sexual orientation distasteful is an immediate red flag to leave.
And, as you suspect, more important than even the differences you have in sexual tastes, the fact that he lied to you and lived a secret life after 2 years is a trumpeting signal that says you must end things now. You’re right about trust being so important. You would have a tough time trusting him now after finding out about all this.
Of course you’re hurt and furious! Who in this situation wouldn’t be? But instead of continuing to feel this way, consider this a business deal gone bad. Cut your losses and move on. Jo Dee Messina’s song, “My Give A Damn’s Busted” is the perfect song for you to be singing now!
But always remember the things you learned from this experience so you can mark your growth by not repeating your patterns again. As a parting gift to yourself, get tested for STDs.
Dr. Gilda
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It’s bad enough to lie about your sexual preferences. But worse than that is to go off on your own and find independent gratification without your mate after years of being in a purportedly committed relationship. After such a breach of trust, it would be nearly impossible for someone to try to re-build what s/he thought s/he had all along. I continue to cite the basic business model that advises people in trouble for a long time to finally cut their losses and move to greener pastures.
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