When Trust is Gone, It's Gone!
Q.
Dear Dr. Gilda,
In looking back, I'm not sure how long my husband’s affair went on behind my back, but once I suspected and confronted him, he denied everything. When the trust is gone, it's gone.
My husband fell for the other woman’s "traps," she claimed she got pregnant by him, and she or they made a decision for her to get an abortion. She is a co-worker, 7 years younger, never married, a drama queen playing mind games, and she got the booby prize.
Our split went on for a year, he was having second thoughts about getting a divorce from me, but he never said the words I wanted to hear. Now this year, our divorce became final. I have just found out that they were engaged 2 weeks after our divorce, and they plan to marry next month.
I have some questions: If he was planning to marry her all along, why did they go through with an abortion (if it really happened)? Since I was married to him half my adult life, I know how he reacts to emotionally charged ultimatums. I also would like to know how adoptive children behave in relationships, since my ex was adopted 40 years ago. It was a shock and I need to heal from all this and move on with my life.
Still Shaking
A.
Dear Still Shaking,
Of course you’re still reverberating from all that you just suffered! You say you were married to this guy for half your adult life. Now give yourself some time to chill.
I know you’re trying to understand what actually happened and why. But you’re asking the wrong questions. At this point in your growth, who cares why he decided to marry this woman, and whether and why they had an abortion?
Further, who cares about how his being adopted might have affected his cheataholism? The wisest thing you said was that you “need to heal from all this and move on.” I agree. Your concentration must be on yourself now.
Toward that end, I think it would be worthwhile for you to get some counseling to understand your own role in the demise of this relationship. Could you have offered your ex-husband one “emotionally-charged” ultimatum too many? You certainly don’t want to substitute one bad marriage for another. Before you throw yourself into the dating pool, take the time to discover in which waters it is safest for you to swim.
Dr. Gilda
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