Dear Dr. Gilda,

Everyone always seems to take advantage of my good nature. It’s as if I’m wearing a T-shirt inscribed with “Kick Me.” My kids are out of control, I can’t keep a nanny, and my sloppy, overweight ex-husband was having an affair until I kicked him out. I have my own business, but so many of my customers didn’t pay their bills, I had to recently declare bankruptcy. I’m at the end of my rope. What can I do?

Cindy

Dear Cindy,

As hard-hearted as this sounds, you are exactly where you want to be. You must examine what payoffs you’re reaping from each of your predicaments. Your inability to keep a nanny puts you in the position of having to play Super Mom, and thereby feel needed and in control. Your ex’s cheating got you off the hook to be a loving wife to a man you no longer find attractive. Your company’s bankruptcy made you financially more dependent on the alimony checks your ex would send, which is a way to get back at him for his infidelity.

As you can see, each of these situations serves a purpose with an unusual payoff. When you decide that the pain you feel outweighs the payoff, you’ll be ready to change your circumstances.

Dr. Gilda

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