1. Put Your Cheater’s Apparatus Out of Commission

Oshkosh, Wisconsin: Donessa Taylor was a ladies’ man. Married to a woman with whom he was already enjoying hot sex wasn’t enough. So he found gullible prey who’d look the other way when he’d cancel dates, assume different aliases, become evasive, and lustily admire other bait.

Unfortunately for Donessa, four of his paramours AND his wife simultaneously discovered his promiscuity. Rather than individually confront him, the ladies chose to rally the strength of their numbers. One invited him to a hotel room with the promise of carnal fun. When he arrived, she blindfolded him and tied him down — which he found hotly appealing. But all five women suddenly descended into the bedroom with a herd mentality, confronted the lothario, and applied nail glue to a place that only a graphic representation could adequately depict.

Moral: Because anger isn’t a lovely display for nice girls, they are left to craft a shrewder expression of their wrath in the gotcha game of cheating. Donessa’s ladies wanted to take this cheater out of commission, and also let him know what he could do with himself. If you stick it to a woman, she might just stick it to you!

I was the Relationship Expert on the Valentine’s Day Special, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” on Investigation Discovery, where I examined such bizarre lover-leaving tactics.

2. Have Sex with Your Lover, Then Kill Him

Mesa, Arizona: As a virtuous Mormon on the outside, then 30-year-old Travis Alexander privately enjoyed a five-month tryst with 32-year-old Jodi Arias. Their relationship intensified as the pair exchanged 82,000 emails, and Jodi converted to the Mormon faith.

But relationships built solely on sex are shaky. Soon Travis called Jodi a “slut” and “whore,” and accused her of using him as “a dildo with a heartbeat” — yet they continued having sex. He said “Stay out of my life forever” — yet they continued having sex.

When Travis began dating another girl, he suspected Jodi was behind his car’s slashed tires, his Facebook account’s hacking, and his new girlfriend’s anonymous, harassing emails. Friends of Travis said he complained Jodi was stalking him, and he even eerily suggested that if he showed up dead, Jodi should be interrogated.

Sometimes, after sex, female black widow spiders violently kill and eat their mates, which is how they get their name. Although she didn’t devour him, Jodi is now accused of stabbing him 27 times, slitting his throat ear to ear, and shooting him in the head. Maybe eating him might have been kinder!

Moral: The downside of a “friends-with-benefits” arrangement is reflected in the strength of the bonding hormone, oxytocin. This chemical draws lovers closer, but there’s also evidence that it promotes suspicion of outsiders and aggressive behavior. If you choose to enter such a “friendship,” negotiate in advance the “benefits” you expect to derive. Then hope you continue to believe it’s all worth it.

3. Smother Your Man with Mother’s Milk

Everett, Washington: 50-year-old Donna Lange was 5 foot 6 inches tall and weighed 192 pounds. Her less meaty 51-year-old boyfriend was 5 foot 7 inches tall and weighed 175 pounds. Raging that her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was inside their motor home, and loaded with alcohol and marijuana, she began a violent fight with her guy, disregarding his heart condition. Lange threw him down and proceeded to smother him to death with her huge breasts. She was found passed out on top of him, her chest devouring his face, while he grasped a fistful of her hair. Authorities surmise he tried to fight her off him.

Moving the woman was difficult because of her size, but at the hospital to which she was finally taken, she said she loved the victim, was sorry for his death, and explained that they had been shacking up for only a month. Lange could face a second-degree manslaughter rap.

Moral: Guys, if you’re a “breast man,” your predilection may actually become your booby trap!

4. Leave Your Wife to Have a Child with Her Friend

Dallas, North Carolina: Tabatha Johnson and Wade Logeais had a lot in common when they met: hot sex, foamy beer, speedy NASCAR, and truck stop trysts. Tabatha was a stripper, which titillated Wade, and the pair became inseparable as they traveled the country for Wade’s truck deliveries. Soon they decided to marry and begin having the many children Wade wanted.

Studies show that strippers accentuate their physical attributes above all else, while their personal relationships suffer. After giving birth a few times, Tabatha longed to prove she still rocked. She returned to stripping, but now, Wade The Loyal Husband objected to this profession for his wife. Tabatha rebelled by going out, staying out, drinking, drugging, and leaving her husband alone with the kids, which erupted in ferocious fights.

Tabatha tried to repair the damage by bringing strippers home to Wade. Eighty-five percent of males fantasize a ménage a trois, but only six percent get their wish. Wade might have been coined a “lucky guy,” but he now wanted a traditional marriage.

The couple reasoned that another kid would do the trick. Tabatha negated having one more pregnancy, and since she and Wade were accustomed to threesomes, they asked Patty, a woman from their trailer park, to become the baby mama. Like a disposable diaper, Patty agreed to discard the baby into Tabatha’s care.

Investigation Discovery’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” shows how this plan backfired when Wade fell in love with the other woman. Tabatha put an icepick in her husband’s face, left the scene, and Wade and Patty married. However, like all ill-conceived unions, within a few years, Patty ran off, and left Wade alone — with the large family he always wanted.

Moral: As the Relationship Expert on this show, I explain my Gilda-Gram™: “We always carry our battered luggage into our next new home.” Unload your rusty gear before trying to re-start the same engine!

5. Ignite Your Love Nest

New York City: Forty-five-year-old Wei Chu Wu was furious at this wife, Yan He Zheng, the mother of his 13-year-old son, whom he believed was cheating on him. As the two engaged in angry argument, Wu set fire to their entire apartment building. The five-alarm flames engulfed all the floors, killed one of the building’s residents, and injured seven firefighters. But the real object of Wu’s wrath, his wife, escaped with their son.

A neighbor remarked that his child played with Wu’s child in the park, and they “seem like a normal family.”

Moral: Seemingly “normal” people can snap. Be careful whose emotions you’re likely to incite, because crimes of passion are irrational and they can be deadly.

There are many more than 50 ways to leave a bad situation, and the thought of getting revenge can be deliciously sweet—at first. But before deciding on what you want to do to get even with someone who betrayed you, take a chill pill. As bad as your lover was, a murder rap or an incarceration will be worse!