Do You Believe The Adage of "Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater"?
Q.
Do you believe the adage of "once a cheater, always a
cheater"?
I instead believe the answer lies in the motivation and character of the cheater in question.
A.
I instead believe the answer lies in the motivation and character of the cheater in question.
People only take one second to determine whether they find
someone sexually attractive. Then in only three minutes, they decide whether
they want to see that person again. That's how quickly we decide if a
prospective mate should be in our life -- for better or for worse, and usually,
when it happens that quickly, it's for worse. Over and out!
For example, my client, Marilyn, quickly concluded that the
man she had just met was The One. But as she got to know Lothario, she soon
discovered that he remained in touch with all his ex-wives, ex-fiancés and
ex-girlfriends. And this dude's harem appeared to be very crowded, since he had
been married to four different women -- and engaged eight times. Lothario told
Marilyn that all these women were now "just friends." I told her that
I concur with the When Harry Met Sally school of thought when it comes to exes:
the sexual tension between our plugs and outlets makes platonic gender
friendship nearly impossible.
Lothario admitted that all his marriages ended because of
his infidelity. However, he insisted that with Marilyn things would be
different because she was different. How many times have I heard that? Marilyn
asked me if a cheater could change.
Does a leopard change its spots? Well, in a perfect animal
kingdom, if a leopard COULD change its spots, perhaps it would prefer to trade
its traditional spots for stripes or something more fashionable. But NO
PRODDING FROM ANOTHER ANIMAL would initiate this change if the leopard were
happy living its usual leopard life, spots included.
Did Marilyn's boyfriend WANT to change his cheating ways?
Why would he? From the looks of it, he'd been deliriously happy "staying
with friends" all around town. But, to be fair, even if he did want to
turn over a new bedspread, how could Marilyn trust him to become faithful after
a history of total dishonesty? Marilyn heard me, but still hoped her
promiscuous alley cat would become a devoted house pussy. I told her this would
be a stretch for him, and she should adjust her expectations accordingly.
There are two schools of thought on whether a cheater can
change; some believe that once an infidel crosses the line, the protective seal
on the bottle of Love Potion #9 is irreparably broken. Others feel that just
because someone cheated in one relationship, it doesn't mean that person will
cheat in all relationships. So, where did that leave Marilyn's beau, who
historically cheated in every relationship? While it was flattering for
Lothario to tell Marilyn she was "different" from the pack, how reliable
could his disavowals be?
I asked Marilyn to ponder these two questions to guide her
in her pursuit of this potentially reckless love:
(2) If Lothario did promise to change, would Marilyn trust him to keep his body parts to himself in the future? There are always opportunities to cheat. I name serial cheaters "cheataholics" because they are rarely motivated by sex alone. Some are obsessed with the thrill of the chase. Some look to forever polish a poor self-image or mirror the role models they've seen all their lives. Others cheat because they believe they can get away with it. The worst are some combination of the above. I asked Marilyn if she knew Lothario well enough to size up his true motivations. Did she know what incentive he might have -- besides winning her devotion -- to permanently change his ways? Marilyn being "different" was not a good enough ploy; everyone is different at first blush.
I instructed Marilyn to level with Lothario. As my
Gilda-Gram says,
Instead, Marilyn chose to hide her concerns, hoping Lothario
would arrive at an epiphany in time! Don't hold your breath, honey.
Robert was another one who held back from discussing his
disintegrating marriage with his wife. He told me, "I know she is
cheating! Last month she said she didn't love me anymore and she wanted a
divorce. After five years of marriage, this hurt so much. I guess she no longer
finds me sexy." While Robert blamed his spouse's infidelity on his
diminished sex appeal, the truth was that this couple never faced what was
really happening in their relationship. Cheating is often a cop-out coping
mechanism people misguidedly use to distract from deeper issues.
I have worked with hundreds of couples, married and single,
with cheating issues. I wrote How to WIN When Your Mate Cheats (Coming Soon To Amazon Kindle) to help couples
restore their love after an affair. The book shows evidence that unless two
unhappy people readily admit they have a problem and are willing to work on it
together, it will only get worse.
Could Marilyn's relationship go forward? I told her I didn't
know how. She's now married to a terrific guy who bears no resemblance to
Lothario in his words and deeds. She trusts him and enjoys peace of mind in
their relationship. While Marilyn wasn't happy with my advice about Lothario,
she can't stop thanking me now that she's chosen someone else!
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