Questions & Comments

Hi Dr. Gilda,
I'm 16 and my girlfriend is 14.  We met online. She lives in the U.S. and I live in England.  I went on holiday where she lived so I could see her. After a week, we booked a hotel room for a night. We then had sex.  We both enjoyed it very much. But afterwards, I didn't want to do it again.  I just got this feeling of guilt after about an hour.  3 days later she asked if we could do it again.  I told her that it was just a one-time thing and that we should wait until later.  She then threatened to tell the police that I had sex with her if I didn't have sex with her again. Reluctantly, I did.  I now really don't want to have to do it again, not at this age anyway.  I know what I did was illegal because I had sex with a minor.  I am now leaving her, but she insists on me having sex or else she's going to squeal. Is there any way I can get out of this?  I fear she may say that I raped her, even though she consented to it.  I really don't know what to do or what is going to happen to me. Please help in any way you can.
Hurting

Dear Hurting,
I am sorry you have suffered so much.  This is a legal matter, so you need to check your local laws. Then please let me know so I can advise others.
Dr. Gilda

Hi again, Dr Gilda,
I went to my local police station and we had a long talk about what happened.  They put me through to the police officers at her local station and I explained it to them. The officers in her State explained their local laws on sex, and said that since there was no huge age difference between us, it can't really be classified as rape, not in their State, anyway. They said that because it took place in a hotel, a public place, there was no reason for her not to scream for help if I did intend to rape her.  They also pointed out that the hotel room was booked under her name.  After they got all the evidence to support my claims that it was consensual, they contacted her. Saying that she got a bit of a shock would be an understatement. She still claimed that she was raped and that it was not consensual.  Hearing her saying all this about me really did hurt.  They made her consider all the evidence against her claims, and, after a while, she gave up her story and admitted that it was consensual. She said that she loved me so much and really enjoyed the sex that she didn't want to give it up, so she tried to force me into doing it with her.  She has now lost everything we had, and I couldn't care less.
Thank you for listening!
A Guy Who Used to Care

Dear Once Hurting, renamed, A Guy Who Used to Care,
Thank you for sharing this. Manipulation is never the way to get someone to want you and love you because it always backfires. Your story is very powerful to everyone who reads it. May your next love be worthy of your integrity and sensitivity.
Dr. Gilda

Dear Dr. Gilda,
There was something in my life that was missing and I spent 12 years blind to it. Then I was introduced to a new world, Junior High School. I walked in a naïve and lost little girl, overwhelmed with unfamiliar situations that lay ahead. Suddenly, I became aware of the emptiness that had been dormant for 12 years. Not knowing what that emptiness was, I became desperate to fill it. I searched and searched in different people, doing anything to find the root of my aching, feeling that the world was against me, and letting the teen angst consume me.
Typical teen drama, huh? Well, I took it too far. The emptiness was a longing for love, a longing to be wanted by someone, to belong, which I certainly was not able to find at home. I started out an innocent adolescent, and by the end of junior high school, I was commonly referred to as a “whore.” Oh, I was still a virgin, but my behavior did not show that. I spent time with a lot of men, desperately trying to find love. I found one. He was older, like all of them to come, my parents hated him, and I liked that. He told me he loved me. Okay, that was what I wanted to hear. But the emptiness and desperation was still there. He degraded me and slept with other women. He told me he loved me.
“Whore”!!! I still had that name, now not only in school, but at home as well. But I was still a virgin. Maybe a “whore” was what I really was.
I had to lose this demon inside me. I needed love, I needed to feel wanted, I needed a man to tell me who I was, who I should be, and what I deserved. I was 15 now, and I was still called “whore,” although I was still a virgin, so it was time to change that. I slept with my best friend. That wasn’t so bad, but he did not want to date me, so I slept with my friend’s brother, but he did not want to date me either. I slept with a senior in high school, but he did not want to date me. I slept with my boss, my co-workers, and lots more. Where was the satisfaction in any of this?
I found a 21-year-old guy who told me that I was smart and funny and beautiful. He filled my head with stories of running away to better, magical places. Finally, my sadness was retreating. Hallelujah! This was what I had been desperately seeking for years. I loved this man. I wanted to give him everything, my body, my money, my life. Take, take, take it all!!
He didn’t take it all, but the next man did. That 30-year-old took it all and left. He left me heartbroken and pregnant at 15 ½. I had no dignity and self-respect left, no, wait; I had none to begin with. What a whore I am, just a piece of trash that belonged in a gutter. So I made it worse. I was raped by a person I thought was a friend. But that didn’t matter because I deserved it. When I got back to school, everyone knew, and now it was confirmed that I was a true whore.
Just a few days later, 3 guys from down the street decided to force themselves on me. I should have fought them harder to stay away… “I don’t want this, not again, I can’t take anymore,” was going through my head. But I was too weak-minded to stand up for myself. I was scared. But I was a whore. I managed to escape . . .
I was numb for the next few years, rebelling in other ways. I was 18 and an adult now. I felt my life’s pain was caused by all those evil men. I now looked for relationships with a whole new attitude: “No man will ever control me again.” LIAR! “No man will ever bring me down again.” LIAR! “No man will disappoint me again.” LIAR! LIAR! LIAR! I spent the next 3 years trying to change my emotionally manipulative and controlling boyfriend. This is when I began my journey to find greater meaning.
It took 5 more years to get to where I am now. Today I have the strength within myself not to invite abuse into my life again. I have confidence in my beliefs and decisions, as well as in the goodness of others. I don’t blame anyone for the misery I suffered. I am able to understand why I will not go down that path again. The emptiness has retreated. I have found the love and passion I desperately sought—and it’s in me. I follow my goals and desires. The emptiness has retreated. I do not assign unobtainable expectations to a man. I have learned that relying on someone else to give me a sense of self, a sense of pride, and a feeling of confidence is a form of suicide for myself and any relationship I might have. Because of my revelations, I have lost a lot of acquaintances. But because of my revelations, I have made a lot of wonderful new friends. The emptiness has retreated.
I now can say that I have a happy life. I gather new inspirations every day that help determine my path. I feel good about sharing my story, for I was always afraid to say it out loud. Now I can face it, proud of whom I’ve become. The emptiness has retreated forever.
Woman returning to college to follow her dreams, age 24

Dear Dr. Gilda,
I am 14 years old and I need to know if I am in love. I think I am, but I need reassurance. Okay, this is the story. I met this guy, Jimmy. He liked me and I like him. He asked me out and I said yes. We went out for about a month. Then he didn't call me and I didn't call him. One night, out of the blue, he called and we talked. Neither of us had quit liking each other. He met my dad and mom and they both liked him. I think I love Jimmy but I don't know for sure. When he talked to my mom, he told her he thought he was in love with me. Only about a week ago, he had said he didn't want a relationship. But then he got into a fight over me. What do you think I should do?
One Confused Girl

Dear One Confused Girl,
You are a very smart girl. You went out with Jimmy for a month, and then when he didn't call you, you didn't call him. As I say in "Teen Talk with Dr. Gilda," a lot of girls make the mistake of trying to force romance by calling a guy after they haven't heard from him. By doing that, they push the guy further away. But you did a very smart thing. Teen guys are not as emotionally mature as girls. They need time to figure out what they're really feeling. By not calling him, you gave him that time. Now, although he didn't think he wanted a relationship, guess what?? He thinks he's in love--and he even got into a fight with someone to prove it! (PS: However nice he seems, you never want to be involved with a hot head, so thoroughly check out that part of his personality.)
Actually, there's nothing at all that you must do at this time. Just continue being your usual independent self. Obviously, when he wants to find you, he knows how to do that. And when you give a guy enough rope, he often tangles himself up--in love!
Dr. Gilda

Dear Dr. Gilda,
      I am 17 years old and I received your book, “Teen Talk with Dr. Gilda:  A Girl’s Guide to Dating,” for Christmas from my step-sister. I really enjoyed it and want to thank you for your advice. After I read it, I got out of a wreck of a relationship and started a new one a few months later. Thanks to your great advice, I am now in an amazing relationship with a guy I will hopefully spend the rest of my life with. We truly care about each other and he respects me and has changed his lifestyle entirely so that nothing would damage the relationship we have. This relationship has lasted over a year, and it's still as perfect as it was in the beginning! Thank you so much for writing this book that has changed my life in so many ways!
Forever Grateful